Look Who's Talking...

I am continually researching different topics of interest. I started my company out of a concern for childhood - how marketers go directly for our children, without any need to consult us parents. There's no more "mother approved" and, personally, I'd like to see that change. I’ve got lots of great information to share on the area of the commercialization of childhood.

Another area of interest related to childhood is safety. I've been working with members of our local school district on safety concerns - a subject that has turned up a lot of valuable information worth sharing with other parents. Did you know there are programs we have already paid for with our tax dollars that can benefit our family, neighborhood and community, as a whole? I’ve got information on these and other valuable resources and will share those, as well.

Currently, as an outcrop of researching safety issues and a recent experience in my own life, I found myself researching the world of female social / relational aggression – bullying, basically – female style. I was recently stunned to realize the impact it has had on my life over the last four years – to recognize that I had become aggressive in my own style as a result of allowing other women to basically chew me up and spit me out, socially. Let’s just say, I had a pretty horrible experience. It’s not easy, but I’m now working on changing my behavior over from a common reaction of aggression to one of more affirmative action.

One way of doing this has been to hold myself accountable to some women who were on the receiving end of my behaviors (while not being the ones who caused me to develop the hurt and anger that built up over the years). Another way of changing my aggressive response over to affirmative action is to research and share information on the subject that landed me here, in the first place.

Below is an article I put together from a range of sources – my hope is that it inspires all of us to consider the issue and our individual power to change things.

Female aggression is a damaging form of bullying for girls – and women. Beyond my own experience and the fact that I have girls, it interested me to learn that, while many school shootings are attributed to males (all too often those who are "loners" and / or the victims of bullying) and many anti-bullying campaigns now exist to address "male" versions of bullying, there are not a lot of programs that address female bulling - relational aggression that has equally destructive potential on human lives. Why is this?

I guess it's no surprise, really, given it's actually a very subtle form of behavior that's fairly embedded in our culture - making it much more difficult to identify and address. Still, research in this area has been growing since the 1990s and it's clear that this form of bullying behavior can and should be identified and addressed, as it has the potential for very harmful and lifelong impact (it just doesn't require a gun as a weapon).

Consider these quotes from In The Know Zone:

“Instead of the openly domineering goon that springs to mind at the word “bully,” the oppressors in the female social system were likely to be among the most attractive, popular and socially prominent girls in the class—the kind teachers and school administrators dote on.”

And...

“…the culture says that, in order to belong, someone else is not going to. For you to belong, you’re going to have to maintain relationships, no matter how people treat you. And that can be incredibly dangerous for girls.”

From what I'm learning, relational aggression is not limited to adolescents - you can find it in any kind of clique, organization, school, corporation, etc. Research points to the fact that, socially, women can be very intolerant of other women who do not meet their expectations of how to behave in accordance with their "groups."

Two key enforcers of this silent, socially-sanctioned and destructive behavior are the "alpha girl" and the "queen bee."

The Alpha Girl has been covered most recently in books about commercialism and childhood and I’m sure we’ve all heard of “mean girls” and the obvious images in movies come to mind. This enforcer is not too difficult to spot and usually refers to an adolescent whose power is tied to looks, status, clothes and popularity.

The Queen Bee is less obvious but equally damaging in her power. The power of a queen bee has little to do with these things (looks, status, clothes, money, etc.). She's got a different kind of social currency. She is adept at making women do what she wants and using friendships with 'middle bees' as weapons to manipulate, isolate and exclude her victim.

Beyond interesting, why is this information helpful to know? Well, two reasons: it impacts us as adults and it impacts our children, as they learn to recognize what we sanction, by our behaviors (we all know how the 'do as I say, not as I do' rule really works!).

Too often, women don't even realize they're participating in bullying behavior - they're simply doing what has been socially accepted for longer than they know. In fact, some researchers say this covert style of aggression may partly be "hard wired" into the female psyche! The folks at In The Know Zone say “the female preference for relational aggression is usually attributed to society’s image of the ideal female as a non-aggressive nurturer, and the resulting social stigma that attaches to overtly aggressive behavior by women, who risk negative labels (e.g., bitch, nag or shrew). “

According to one article, "Dr. Antonius Cillessen finds that peer groups fan the flames of aggression by conferring reputations that keep victims frozen in their roles. 'Once peers have negative expectations, no matter what victims do, even if they change their behavior, their peers filter observations of them through their negative expectations.’”

Mike Hardcastle reports on “the big three” characteristics that make a woman an easy target. They are quoted as follows:

1. Being different: Maybe you’re the only unmarried, childless woman in a book club filled with stay-at-home moms. The other women may not be able to relate to you, which can make you a target.

2. Being betrayed: A woman can become a scapegoat when someone in the group leaks a secret or weakness that she shared in confidence.

3. Being excluded: When the queen bee cuts down another woman, the rest of her friends often follow suit until an entire bond is based on shunning one individual.

And how do peers fan the flames? We all know one of the most obvious examples - gossip. Have you ever listened to gossip? Been gossiped about? Spread gossip? No matter what role you've ever been in - you're playing an active one, whether you like to think of it that way, or not. Because the behavior is so embedded and even socially accepted, it’s easy for us to like to think of silent 'bystanders' who listen to gossip as innocent. In fact, they contribute to the enforcement of who's in / out at any given time. Still, it’s a very difficult issue. There’s not a woman among us (if we’re totally honest with ourselves) who doesn’t have any of that proverbial blood on our hands.

So, what do we do? Given that the behavior may be so deeply embedded, it’s hard to imagine we’ll ever abolish female social aggression. And, in one respect I can think of, there may be at least some merit to a measure of bullying in any society – no matter what form it takes. The fact is, when we overcome challenges of dealing with bullies and their behavior in our lives, we are better for the experience. Call it…character building. Still, there are measures we can each choose to take, to discourage this form of bullying in our lives and communities.

According to Dan Olweus, "It is a basic democratic right to feel safe and to be spared the oppression and repeated, intentional humiliation implied in bullying." As we consider the toxic behaviors that lead to a host of threats to our children's safety and self worth, we may just conclude there is great value in taking a cold, hard, honest look at our own actions, first - asking ourselves, as role models, how we may, even by just listening to rumors as "innocent bystanders", "enforce" any given group's codes of conduct and social "order" and whether this is something in which we want to participate(?).

We can also choose to step out of the fear that keeps us from standing up for those being silently bullied in this way. This is more of a long-shot, as research shows, while people often feel sorry for the victims, their own fear of standing up and risking becoming the object of exclusion is enough to prevent this effective strategy. Sadly, victims are on their own. Those who speak up and assert themselves all too often become active participants in a game of destruction – their own. So, really, unless and until we individually decide on a zero-tolerance policy on this form of relational bullying, it will likely continue – a catch 22.

Another choice is to ignore bullies. That won’t make them go away and it won’t change their behavior. But, if one can manage it with a strong sense of self and self-esteem, it’s a last resort that will, at least, keep a bully from taking over your life. Realize that you won’t get them to see what they don’t want to see about themselves – people have to want to look at the good, bad and the ugly in themselves – to be honest - if there’s any hope for change. If you can’t beat ‘em – don’t join ‘em – walk away. At some point, it’s worth licking your wounds and moving on – leaving the bullying behaviors behind and out of your life. They may win the battle – but that doesn’t mean they have to win the war.

Ultimately, as role models, we do have power – whether or not we choose to use it. One of the most useful things we can do to improve the world remains the same, no matter what the issue – increasing awareness. Our individual consideration of this information can provide us with a greater ability to identify bullying behaviors and, in turn, teach our children how to do the same. As awareness grows, our personal tools have the opportunity to improve, as well. IF parents are better equip to teach children how to respond in affirmative and constructive ways, that’ s a goal worth achieving, in the end.

It’s not easy – anyone who has not learned the tools to identify these behaviors and to affirmatively respond are sure to face a bumpy road in making valuable changes. Smoothing that road may take time but, it’s do-able. Because life is finite, learning is important. Each day we grow. Each day we improve. And each day we can focus on what we choose – and choose, differently.


WBI Bullying Stats - Gender Differences

Both men and women are bullies; women are targeted more frequently.

Gender of the Bullies: (the person primarily responsible for the mistreatment)
60% are Men
40% are Women

Gender of Targets: (the person targeted for mistreatment)
(56.7) 57% are Women
(43.3) 43% are Men

When the Bully is a Woman:
(71.3) 71% of the Targets are Women
(28.7) 29% of Targets are Men

When the Bully is a Man:
(53.5) 53% of the Targets are Men
(46.5) 47% of Targets are Women

Note that women prefer to bully other women, 2.5 times more frequently than they target men. Men divide their cruelty showing a slight preference toward same-gender harassment.

Men bullies more than women bullies prefer public bullying (57.4% vs. 48.6%). And women bullies prefer to bully behind closed doors (47.2% vs. 38.3%).


© 2008 Tristan Benz, all rights reserved